i am a contradiction and conundrum of sorts.

what's sad is before even typing this entry, i was kind of thinking in these full coherent, well vocabulary-ed phrases (unlike the one i just typed), kinda setting myself up for an lj entry. in my head. i'm weird.

i feel like i have an insomnia of sorts. not the physical problem of not being able to sleep because i AM tired, but just being completely and utterly mentally wired. i think the problem is that i get introspective at night, but instead of being able to push it aside to sleep like i feel most people can, i just mull over certain thoughts again and again until my mind literally can't shut down. it's to the point where even if i take a medicine that's supposed to help you sleep, i still stay up and just think. sleepily. it's also when my creative juices flow the most, but it's all for nothing because my body is so physically tired that i'm too lazy to let it come to fruition in any way by writing it down or anything of the sort. i've entertained the idea of writing a book or screenplay just for shits and giggles to see, one, what the hell my crazy mind can come up with, and two, how many hours that i spend wasting away could be to put to a (semi) productive use.

the weird thing is, i'm not stressed. i think my first semester of college kind of depleted the insane stress i used to get from school work because i went completely overboard. even lack of sleep, which has been more frequent for me lately, has not stressed me, as i know that i am not completely sleep deprived. i feel like so much of my life has been put into perspective that it's hard for me to feel stressed anymore. instead, i either feel nothing or just... frustrated. i've felt so frustrated lately. about nothing in particular, but at the same time, about everything. basically, at the moment, i consider myself to be a giant nut case. i feel like i have too many contradicting traits to fit into one person. to myself, i'm so over analytical and complex, but i think i give off this vibe of simpleness to others. i feel like when people are stressed or worried they confide in me because i guess i seem logical? or will at least listen? and although i love that some people feel they can talk to me about everything, at the same time, the entire time i'm just thinking why in the world they would come to me. i think i give off this vibe because i avoid drama and have the amusement level of a small boy, but i feel like... to myself, i'm so much more. not in a, they don't realize my potential way, but more in a, why, even though i am content, do i still feel this surge inside me like i'm missing out on something huge.

it's kind of how i look at my future. i know the general shell of what i want to do with my life - in my head it's so crystal clear - but i just can't put it into words when people ask me simple things like, "what do you want to do?" i feel all these things that i just can't put into words. i guess that's life.

i think it doesn't help that i have an obsessive personality and just like how i get with other things in my life, the thing i obsess about the most is probably my own thoughts and insights into my own mind.

oh the ramblings of a 3:30 in the morning spill fest. i'll probably read this in the morning... later morning... and want to delete it, but i think if i felt compelled to write in this thing for the first time in half a year, i should keep it. ah well. a public journal can be just as good as a paper one if it feels therapeutic when i'm done i guess.